For the least of these: Final days, sad goodbyes, letting go and Trusting the Lord

Let me first start out by being very transparent. The first week or so of Lidiya's 5 week visit was awesome. The middle two and a half weeks were...........well, I don't really know of a good way to put it but they were horrible! A lot of rebellion, attitude, direct disobedience, arguing, flat out ignoring us and so on. The last week and a half was "better". Still attitude, some rebellion and direct disobedience and quite a bit of arguing. The last 2 or 3 days were really good....still not as good as the first week but she was really comfortable with us at this point, so I didn't expect things to be as good as the first week. From weeks 2-4, I honestly did not think that there would be any tears when we took her back to the airport! Danny and I both said that we were actually ready to take her back - although we did still have a couple of weeks left at this point! Danny even made a comment, "I am just praying that the Lord will change things and allow us to take her back and actually miss her. I don't want to take her back and be glad she is going back." Well, the Lord answered his prayer.

As tough as it was in the middle of her visit, we are really feeling the pain of her being gone. As a matter of fact, as I sit here writing this, tears are welling up in my eyes. It is so hard for me to describe my feelings but I am going to do my best. I do miss Lidiya. I do miss having Lidiya around. However, even more than that, I fear for the unknown for Lidiya. She isn't eligible for adoption and she might not even be able to come back to America again, so it is so hard to know what will happen to her once she "ages out". Chances are, she can stay past the "normal age out" age of 16 because she has a younger brother in the same orphanage but she is already 13, so she still doesn't have a lot of time left. Five years max....maybe less. Orphans in those countries have a stigma associated with them and pimps prey upon young orphans that are just getting out of the boarding schools. They use whatever they can to lure these young girls into a horrific life. Just watch this video to get a glimpse of what the majority of orphan girls get lured into. It is very sad. So, my heart hurts for her. She just has no idea what it is like on the "other side". She thinks she gets free college, a place to stay and will make money. Oh boy, does she have it all wrong.

When we dropped her off at the airport, had to let her go and just watch her walk away, all I could say is, "Lord, she is yours. Take care of her". There is a lot of truth to the old saying, "Love 'em and let 'em go". That's what we did. We loved her like we couldn't have loved her any more and then we let her go and watched her walk away. My heart is somewhere in the air halfway between JFK and Munich, Germany and around 9:15 tomorrow morning (our time), it will be in Kiev.

During her visit, she had a huge wall that really never got broken down. Maybe a little but not much. I would say it is somewhere around 7ft tall and 12 inches thick! She is tough as nails. Very little emotion and when you show emotion, she gets mad! One night I was crying because she told me what happened to her mom and she ran out of the room and refused to come back in until I stopped crying. Also, I must have told her "I love you" 40-50 times while she was here and not once did she ever say it back. She did not give out many hugs, she did not 'cuddle' on the couch, she did not hold our hands (unless we initiated because we were in a public place), she did not say I love you, she did not say anything emotional, etc. I would not say that she didn't "attach" because she definitely did and you could tell that she has the potential to love but she has a wall built up so high it will take a long time to break it down.

However, yesterday we stayed at the Great Wolf Lodge, thanks to a fabulous discount that GWL offered New Horizon's For Children! We only paid $125 for a $405 room. Anyhow, the entire time we were at the water park, Lidiya never once let go of my hand!! And if I happened to let go, as soon as we would start to move again, she would grab my hand again! Then, today at the airport, she hugged me like she was making up for 5 weeks of not hugging me! Part of her wall came down as she cried - not too much - but just a bit. However, her holding on to me the way she did was enough to turn me to complete mush! That was the most emotion I saw come out of that girl the entire time she was here. But I am thankful for that because although it caused me to cry even more, it is good to feel this way!

I've learned a lot in the last 5 weeks. More than I ever thought I would learn. I have had many emotions over the last 5 weeks. More than I have had in the last 5 years! Some good, some no so good but all a part of my Lord's great plan. I know He loves Lidiya more than I ever could, so I just have to trust Him.

Thank you for following my journey. It is so encouraging to hear people are reading my blog. I am so humbled. I never realized so many people read it and when someone tells me, "Oh, I have been following your blog" and then shares something they read, I am just amazed. I am not much of a writer - I just write what is on my heart. So thank you for reading.

Blessings,
April

Lidiya laying in the 3rd row, reading a book on the way to Charlotte.

She brought a blanket because she is "always" cold!